BTRIPP (btripp) wrote,
BTRIPP
btripp

Man ...

As noted previously, I'm getting into the fringes of my main writing (poetry) period, when things seem a bit "spotty" in terms of what I have in the files or not. I'm currently pulling together a 12th volume of poems, the first multi-year collection, covering 1998-2001. Since I've been on LiveJournal since 2000, the back end of this appeared in these pages ... and I've been paging through several years worth of posts just to check to see if I missed any (I know I have some on here, as late as 2007, that I don't currently have on-disk versions of).

You know the cliché emo teenager line: "I have never drawn a happy breath!"? Well, paging through my journal looks like evidence of the veracity of that in my case. I have been miserable for so f'n long! The specifics of what's been making me depressed may have changed over the years (although the "no job" factor is a recurring theme), but it's been a craptastic decade and a half. One of "my problems" is that I never get over any emotional wounds ... I'm a frick'n "picture of Dorian Grey" of never-fading emotional traumas ... and reading back over these posts makes those aches and agonies fresh and immediate. Not fun. {side note: this is why I "can't do sales", as every "NO!" is a dagger stab of rejection, belittlement, and exile, none of which ever heal over}

I wonder if I had a chance of reading back over how shitty life has been over the past 15 years how I would have processed it. Every month that grinds by these days makes me think that dying in the 1993 car crash would have been a blessing, and that this life is something that I've been damned to.


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