BTRIPP (btripp) wrote,
BTRIPP
btripp

Ah, missed it again ...

Friday was my 31st anniversary of quitting drinking.

It used to be a "big thing" around here ... but any more it just ticks off, unnoticed.

The past couple of years I've been so damned depressed that I've even considered going back to drinking (causing me to show up at AA meetings for the first time in decades). Not that it would be any sort of a solution, but sweet boozy oblivion sure sounds like a nice place to be in rather than the morass of frustration, anger, guilt, fear, and anguish that is my typical daily emotional state.

Obviously, I've been fighting the latter for a LONG time, as drinking "until I couldn't remember WHY I was drinking" was my typical pattern before I quit. My target was to drink enough that I couldn't FEEL anything - totally numb emotionally. That state still sounds like something to hope for.

Oblivion.

Yep, in all its permutations. I'm so sick of trying to DO something in this damned world, and being served up failure after failure after disaster after betrayal. I have lost the ability to believe that it will ever get better.

But, hey, I'm sober, so I can feel every damned scintillation of agony, angst, and anger ... every f'n minute of every f'n day ... hope the whole world's glad to be rid of the fun, happy(-ish), DRUNK Brendan.

Sucks to be me.


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