BTRIPP (btripp) wrote,
BTRIPP
btripp

whuh?

OK, now I'm feeling guilty on top of everything else. I'm having a "don't do what you do every damn day" weekend, sort of by accident (I guess I was seriously sleep deprived and have been "napping without intent" the past two days) including computer crashes wiping out my Twitter reading (I really wish there was a program that would simply cache all the Tweets that the folks one follows make and let you get to them later instead of having an 800 post limit of delving into the past!). As you may have noticed, this did allow for some book reviewing and stuff.

I decided to take a look at my LJ Friends page today. I appear to have not been looking at this much at all of late, as (when I finally got to a post I recognized) it was "skip 300" and all the way back to Tuesday. (sigh) When I think of how much I used to obsessively read this...

Obviously, in my defense, Twitter is where I find my job leads, and my links/info for The Job Stalker, so most of my attention is there. I ACHE for the day when I can cut back Twitter to just "the interesting people" and no follow every damn "job industry" bloviator and board.

Did I mention how incredibly sick of trying to find a job I am?

I tried to have lunch out with The Family today, but it ended up as a "walk away" situation. The Wife (who, despite being the one managing our finances) doesn't seem to have a "visceral" feel for the desperation of our financial state, and she's perfectly happy to take The Girls out to meals. Today we ended up going over to The Soup Box, which Daughter #1 likes quite a bit. The Wife was angry with me because I opted not to order anything, accusing me of something along the lines of "bringing everybody down" and making The Girls feel bad about eating out.

From MY perspective, as much as I would have dearly LIKED to have had some of the (admittedly, quite lovely) soups offered at that place, I could NOT justify paying the rather steep prices (it's like six bucks for a cup and like eight for a bowl, add on a soda and you're looking at ten bucks a head for soup and a soda!) to have that. I explained that as much as I liked what they had there, I could not possibly enjoy consuming it if that entailed paying that much money. Hell, I have to have an internal battle about spending $2.06 on a large tea at the Barnes & Nobel cafe, or getting 2-3 "dollar menu" items at McDonalds.

Every restaurant meal, consumed or considered, is simply a glaring accusatory neon sign saying "LOSER - LOSER - LOSER!" a screaming (if silent) denunciation of me as a husband, father, and man because I appear to be incapable to finding a job by which I can discharge the financial responsibilities of those roles. Every spoonful would feel like a selfish indulgence that did nothing but push the bus one more inch towards the edge of the cliff.

If we're going to go over that cliff into destitute homelessness (as I'm beginning to fear ... it really SUCKS to have a resume that can't get you an "appropriate" job but also won't let anybody even consider you for a "lesser" job!) I want to go digging my heels in and straining every sinew of body and mind to prevent it from happening, not eating a meal I don't need (I came home and had leftovers), at a price that, in my mind, we clearly can't afford!

Anyway, I'm getting caught up with non-job-search stuff today ... it's making me feel all sorts of paranoid that "the one PERFECT job" is going to scroll past on the boards today and I'll never see it to get a resume out on it ... so if you've been brilliant here over the past week and I've not noted, it may be rectified over the next few hours.


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