(sigh) Needless to say, this also weighs on me in terms of being "a provider" ... so many of her friends are having big graduation parties, fun graduation trips, etc., and I'm sitting here wondering how we're going to pay the Property Tax bill. It's hard when my Mom had been a very successful entrepreneur who was able to do amazing stuff for me and my brother. He was "the golden boy" with Wharton and Kellogg and long run of hot-shot corporate jobs. I'm the guy who's ultimately failed in everything I've done. I was thinking the other night at the Census that my Mom would be mortified for me to be doing that sort of work ... it would be humiliating for her to have me fall that far down. So not only am I failing my extant family, I'm shaming my Mom posthumously. Great.
Somebody on my Twitter feed the other day posted "My bad days = some people's best days" and "I, Seriously have a good time at almost every single one of my activities in life". I couldn't help but reflect that 90% of my days are spent in activities that make me miserable because it's just more failure (or frantic, exhausting, and ultimately pointless striving) stacked up on the mountain of FAIL that's already my life. Last night we went out to celebrate The Girls' grades and I couldn't even enjoy having a burger because it was spending money that was then not going to be there for other expenses. And EVERY SINGLE THING LIKE THAT is "on my head" because I can't get a "real job". Working for the Census is just twisting the knife ... I'm only getting paid about 1/3rd of what I "need" to bring in, so every hour there is one step forward and two steps back ... I keep wondering if it was a mistake to do that, since the money, while slowing our financial hemorrhaging, is taking away 10 hours a day that I would otherwise be spending in the job search, freelance projects, developing stuff, networking, etc. It figures, as historically, given the choice of two doors, I always end up with the Tiger, never the Lady.
Anyway, over there ===> is last week's book post over on The Job Stalker ... you've already read (or, I suppose, probably not) the review so it's not much new, but a click or two makes my traffic look ever so slightly less pathetic. Of course, that's a good example of how things go ... I am thrilled on one level "to be writing for the Tribune", and take keeping that up very seriously (spending hours on that which also have to come out of those 168/wk), yet for what? I make a half cent on every "in-market" click, and my best MONTH paid me under six dollars. Obviously (after 8 months or so of writing it), nobody is knocking down my door to hire me because of it. It's great that I'm there, but it's also (objectively speaking) a total waste of time.
I am SO SICK of being "out of the game" ... and there doesn't seem to be any "plan B" for me to fall back on (short of the depressing fantasies of losing everything).
Hey, at least I'm pretty sure your day is going better ...