BTRIPP (btripp) wrote,
BTRIPP
btripp

Well ...

Tomorrow's the day I should hear on that Marketing Communications job.

I had three good (as far as I can tell) interviews. I am one of three "finalists" for the spot. It is about 85% of what I'm looking for in a job. It would start almost immediately. I can't imagine that anybody else is bringing a closer fitting set of skills to this.

I'm terrified.

I was just tweeting that one of the things I most look forward to in getting out of the job search is to go back to "being myself" on-line. This is very very sick. I totally HATE what I've had to do in terms of making me some dimensionless vanilla cardboard cut-out of myself just to "not scare off" potential employers. What a fucking twisted world this is.

I just damn well hope these guys hire me.

I broke down crying three times tonight ... I'm feeling so fragile from all this. It's like I can't be me, but anything I'm able to "be" is "not good enough" to get a job. I've been doing everything I can for seventeen months at this point. I doubt there have been many days in that time when I've not spent at least 12 hours on the job search (or related activities like attending networking events, writing The Job Stalker, doing research, etc.). I read these articles that say one shouldn't spend more that 5 hours a day on it ... how do those people get hired? Oh, right, they're not me. They're not "too old", they're not "overqualified", they're not "unfocused", they're little zombie doo-bees that won't threaten the status quo. Right.

I keep thinking back to the half dozen or so times that I nearly died up to now and keep wondering if this living nightmare is the only reason I survived. "Ha-ha, Brendan, you didn't die because we wanted you to be tortured by losing everything you had, failing your family, and dragging through an endless cycle of doing stuff you hate with no hope of ever breaking free!"

I am so sick of this.


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