BTRIPP (btripp) wrote,

Heavy Sigh ...

You know, I have all the books that tell me about positive thinking, of ways to create prosperity, etc. etc. etc. ... but without becoming absolutely DELUSIONAL, how does one create non-negative thoughts? My existence is SO filled with angst, anguish, and technicolor visions of the Abyss that it is hard to find enough dust of positivity to scrape up even belly-button lint! Even the very much beloved things in my life (The Girls) don't provide seed for positive thought, as they are the ones whose future is being DESTROYED by my failings. I see them and I feel horrible guilt, and have my feelings of worthlessness reinforced 10-fold. How does one FIND "positivity"? I have never been one for "happy thoughts", so here, in this absolute nightmare pit that I find myself, I am clueless on how to turn the switch from "I'm Doomed!" to "La, la, la ...".

Bleh. Sucks to be me. Here's a poem from yesterday, much of this subject ...

                    NO PLACE, NO WAY, NO MEANING

                    an eddy
                    a backwater
                    we have drifted
                    out of the flow
                    we now idle
                    in a still zone
                    while events
                    rush on by

                    we do nothing
                    we achieve nothing
                    we act to exhaustion
                    without a result
                    we drive within context
                    but one that means nothing
                    just endless cycles
                    of grinding pointlessness

                    we see the chaos
                    at every hand
                    all things we value
                    poisoned or swept away
                    twisted into forms
                    horrific, mocking
                    for all we get to keep
                    is still tainted and decayed

                    we grasp for purpose
                    having lost all hope
                    for ways to save
                    ourselves from this terror
                    we seek some road
                    which has a place
                    which bears a meaning
                    and goes somewhere

                    for we are locked in grey
                    in indistinct and in between
                    every effort fades, dissolves,
                    every intent no better than a wish
                    all our tomorrows falter
                    and drop back down to nightmares
                    the gaping steely maw
                    of the mundane monster's madness

                             - Brendan Tripp

                    Copyright © 2001 by Brendan Tripp

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