BTRIPP (btripp) wrote,

The downside of this "public" journaling ...

OK, so I'm having "one of those days" (well, actually, I'm in the midst of "several of those days", but I didn't have anything else ready to talk about) where I'm aching to have something meaningful to work on (oh, like a job), but can't get traction on anything. I'm spending not insignificant chunks of time working on resurrecting my old poetry "chapbooks" into new perfect-bound editions, but that's a "want to get it done before I die" sort of deal, and is pretty much always there if I'm not working on something else.

Now, the very observant among you will be wondering "what about that financial education thing you've mentioned, Brendan?" ... well, yes, there is that. My web site for it has sort of been on hold (I still have stuff - posts and accompanying videos - that I got ready for it last month that need to be posted), but I got distracted with all the prep I was having to do in order to pass the State licensing tests (which I did, in early December), which then ran into the holidays, and here we are.

While, obviously, writing blog posts, shooting/editing videos, creating graphics, crafting web pages, etc. is my "sweet spot", those elements are really not the key activities for that business.

And this is there the "downside to public journaling" comes in ... I would very much like to kvetch in various levels of detail about how poorly suited I am for that business ... but, hanging that laundry out in public is probably not the best idea. However, I keep finding myself stymied by internal resistance ... to the extent that I have as yet not been able to "get around to" cross-posting the stuff from the site onto LinkedIn (a key "strategy" I had for drumming up business) ... because on some level, I'm embarrassed about it. Like the famed 1st-Century bce teacher Hillel said (it's amazing how often I get to use that Religion major), indicating this was the full essence of the Torah: “What is hateful to you, do not do unto your neighbor” ... and I hate having stuff SOLD to me - so being in the position of having to sell stuff to others is, well, humiliating.

I have a long-time web friend (one I've actually met on a couple of occasions) who has recently been (unconsciously, I'm sure - heck, it's not even about me, as this is what's going out to his list) really "testing me" on this, as he's gone from a reasonably chatty/informative weekend email (ending in a pitch, of course), to a different "selly" thing in my inbox every couple of days. I hate that, and if it was anybody that I did not have a personal connection with, I'd have unsubscribed a few days into his current mode. THIS is the "internal state" that I'm modelling to my reaching out to people with the WFG program. My emotional reality is that everybody who is contacted by that information will quickly begin to hate me {of course, the "bad Brendan" voice adds "more than they already do" here} within a couple of exposures to the info.

As a side note ... my assumption here is that I'm probably way off the mark in this, and the fact that I fervidly hate being "sold to" does not mean that everybody (or even most people) feel like that. I am constantly reminded of how MY internal states seem to be quite different from what is generally "out there" among the human fauna on this planet ... just one factor in making life here Hell. However, I had a shrink back in high school who was consistently trying to convince me that what I was thinking was NOT particularly aberrant and that it was probably within the thick part of the bell curve. I suspect he was completely wrong on that point (it would probably not behoove me to go into much contrasting detail on this), but I'm always stuck in that zone where on one hand, I viscerally assume that what I hate, others hate, while wondering where the line might be when what I'm feeling/thinking actually meshes with the average.

So, I'm still looking/hoping for something out there that I can do that involves stuff I'm good at (although, after six and a half years of looking, I'm having my doubts I'm ever going to be appropriately employed) ... but that biz is something which is pretty predictable for being able to make some money - if, and this is a pretty huge IF, I can manage to do the stuff that it requires (and I can't even imagine getting the the point where I would not have to be "faking it" constantly - sort of like the classic quote from Jean Giraudoux, often attributed to George Burns: "The secret of success is sincerity. Once you can fake that you've got it made.").

Bleh, I feel dirty just thinking about it.

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