BTRIPP (btripp) wrote,

I'm OK with dying ...

Some days ...

I asked for "help" with pricing my new book (the first of what might be as many as a dozen annual collections of my book reviews) over on Facebook, both in my feed and in this writers group I belong to. And I was shocked at the level of hostility I got. I was asking which of 3 "price points" folks thought would be OK for a 300-page 6x9 paperback. And I got shit on. Over and over and over.

Frankly, I don't think people have a CLUE of what it takes to make a decent looking ebook (the book in question is an actual print book because it's so damn hard to make things NOT look like crap in an ebook), so I got all sorts of folks telling me that what I HAD to do was make it an ebook and sell it for a couple of bucks. Frankly, since this is a collection of my ON-LINE BOOK REVIEWS, if I did an ebook it might as well be just a list of links to the original reviews ... but I don't think anybody would fork over even a buck for that. People just plain suck.

There is so much GARBAGE coming out in ebooks because it plays to the lowest-common-denominator as far as book design is concerned. The LESS formatting an ebook has, the better ... so it opens the door to any moron with the free Dragon app on their phone to blither out the the most inane crap, have that transcribed by the program, dumped into Word, and saved off as an HTML file. I know of people who were "publishing" new "books" daily, just hoping to grab whatever micro-slice of the Kindle (etc.) market they might be able to keyword-stuff their way to. I hate living in a world like this.

Which brings me to the headline ... saw something about some horrific news (I forget what, chaos, disease, doom, whatever), and things have been SO BAD for SO LONG in my life that dying sounds like a perfectly OK thing. I have nothing that I like to do that I can justify doing (i.e., the only things I can justify doing - without feeling horribly guilty about burning the hours involved {like the 50+ hours I've thrown at this book project this past week} - are things that might end up providing some income), and I have proven to be singularly un-hireable for anything that WOULD provide income. So, most weeks, I spend all week doing stuff that I f'n HATE to try to get some dribble of money (of course, I'd ideally find a "real job" with "real money", but after nearly SEVEN F'N YEARS of looking I'm probably further from getting a job than I was mid-May 2009).

In those few months when I had a shrink at the end of last year, he kept encouraging me to take some "me time" and do stuff that I enjoyed, and it's gotten to the point that I couldn't even think of anything that fit that category. Which really sucks. I "like" getting "immersed in projects" because it shuts my internal (self-hating) chatter off ... but he pointed out that none of these weren't "goal-oriented", i.e. they all had some relationship to trying to find some job or the like (which, admittedly, doing these book review books sort of are). I couldn't come up with anything that wouldn't either be stressful (like trying to take up painting, etc.), or be work-related (like everything else I do, from reading/reviewing to writing blog posts). Grrrrr ...

It's getting to the point where the idea of "just not being" sounds better than the alternative.

Sucks to be me, for sure.

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