BTRIPP (btripp) wrote,

What the FUCK does it take?

OK, so I go and think I've found a training thing that will work for me, and bring the info home, The Wife goes over it with a fine toothed comb and hands me a 2-page "list of concerns" on the damn thing! Here's the person who has been ragging my ass to get something lined up "for Spring" in terms of a training program ... I finally FIND one, that on a half a dozen points will work better than ANY of the others, and now she's tearing it apart! I can't fucking BELIEVE this. Sure, I know that she's the original "paralysis by analysis" case (buys tons of books on whatever she's considering, gets stuff all set up in some fantasy scenario, and then never follows through on anything) but COME ON! This is just ONE area in which we are totally opposites ... I'll idle and idle and idle looking for a point for action, but once that opening is there, I'm doing something. So, here I am, ready to devote pretty much the rest of the year to getting this program done, and it's "oh, but what about THIS? how do they handle THAT? how come THIS is like THAT?" This is going to make me CRAZY.

My onlly misgiving on this is that I'm pretty much stuck with it even if somebody (miraculously) suddenly responds to a resume. It would be JUST my luck to be committed to this thing to the tune of sixteen grand and have a tasty gig in P.R. turn up a month later. Of course, given that nobody even fucking ACKNOWLEDGES my damned resumes, I don't think I really have to worry about that. But, DAMN ... here I thought she'd be all excited about this (for all the reasons that *I* see it as better than the other options) and instead it's pick, pick, pick, pick, pick ...

Some days I really wonder what it would be like to be in a relationship that wasn't toxic. Life is HELL.

Anyway, on the way home I stopped off for a coffee and got this lovely bit of negativity scrawled ...

                    BITTER, TWISTED, VILE

                    maelstrom currents
                    drag us down
                    unseen rocks
                    slam through the dark
                    splintering the keel
                    rendering us
                    unable to steer
                    unable to not sink

                    what fresh depths attain
                    with each new dawn?
                    veil after veil of grey
                    drop over my world
                    driving ever on
                    towards the black
                    the total absence
                    of light and life

                    I am caught
                    in chains, accursed
                    by unseen voices,
                    cast so low
                    here in the focus
                    of all this spite
                    of direr destiny
                    and tragic loss

                    no matter what
                    the striving is
                    we know the end
                    is bitter, twisted, vile;
                    no matter how
                    we struggle here
                    the game is rigged
                    for our defeat

                    Arjuna's case,
                    the state of Job,
                    when adds our name
                    onto that list?
                    will some future frame
                    link all man's anguish
                    to how we suffer here
                    against uncaring fate?

                             - Brendan Tripp

                    Copyright © 2002 by Brendan Tripp

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