BTRIPP (btripp) wrote,


So damned tired ... I still don't know how I'm going to manage to be up and functioning for an 8am class time. Hell, back in college, I'd stay up classes if they were that early (and I quickly learned to not sign up for anything which started befroe lunch). I'm so used to being up all night ... it's going to be VERY strange being on this schedule. The Wife is going to try to get them set with the financial aid deal today ... that's still fucked up and classes start in a week. I sure hope the shrink I'm seeing tomorrow can give me something that WILL cut down on my anxiety without fucking up everything else. I'm real paranoid about all that shit. I don't trust them to give me something that won't screw up my ability to function on other levels ... I'm thinking of how Vicodin, for instance (which I had quite a lot of following all the various surgeries after my car crash) would do a swell job of getting rid of the pain, but how I could not read or work on the computer when on it ... it shot my short-term memory and my ability to deal with the scanning pattern on the monitor ... I am VERY apprehensive about whatever anti-anxiety drugs they may give me having some similar side-effects that will totally screw up my ability to function in the school setting. Bleh. Hate this all. Just fucking HATE it.

Anyway ... another poem. I got 14 done last month and I'm up to 17 for this month ... if I get 17 done per month I'll be on target for 200 for the year, so I'm hoping to push up to 20 for February, which will catch me up from January, and then try to keep a 17/month pace. I anticipate some of the "feel" of the poems will be chaning in March, since I'll be schlepping around a new laptop for school, which will mean that I'll be much more likely to write on that than in my little notebooks, and i have noted over the years that my writing is different when done with one hand in pen on paper versus with both hands into the keyboard. I've actually felt that the "directly into the keyboard" method is better as it gets both halves of the brain involved, but given the problems I've had with getting "space" to write, the notebook has worked well to just be there when I have some down time. Oh well, nobody cares about those details, do they? More stuff is, of course, in the archive at ...

                    HELLS OF DARKER TENSION

                    stress enfolds
                    with bands of steel,
                    tentacles crushing,
                    webs of razor wire;
                    we are ensnared,
                    caught by a world
                    of pressure, tension,
                    madness and decay

                    there is no place
                    for solitary seers
                    in this dark zone;
                    none want to know,
                    none want to be
                    apart from the herd,
                    the malicious mass,
                    hateful and vile

                    the eternal call
                    "submit or be slain"
                    echoes from every fiber,
                    every angle, ever plane
                    of the mundane abyss
                    always ready to destroy
                    all that stands defiant
                    unwilling to play its game

                    as broken as we are
                    we still can't submit
                    to that empty sleep,
                    that machine dream,
                    the hollow being
                    lost within the frame
                    of empty existence,
                    their blind unthinking state

                    so days are fearful,
                    never knowing where
                    the next terror enters,
                    never being sure
                    what step or word
                    will trigger attacks,
                    never being free
                    of that nightmare

                             - Brendan Tripp

                    Copyright © 2002 by Brendan Tripp

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