BTRIPP (btripp) wrote,

More shit ...

Man, I can't believe that shrink charged me $175.00 for that last session ... I'm going to see him again tomorrow, but COME ON ... I can't afford that ... hell, when I had a paycheck, I wouldn't have paid that. Damn. I sure hope that whatever he prescribes this time works for me ... since I sure as hell won't be showing up for the damn chit-chat (I spent most of my youth with weekly shrink appointments, and I have NEVER found them useful ... it's always been somebody ELSE who thought it was a good idea to have me in therapy!) I think I'm going to give this one more shot ... if what the guy comes up with doesn't work ... FUCK IT. Hell, life's too damn short to be fucked up by these damn drugs. I mean, I haven't had a drink in 16+ years, but if it takes going back to gin to get rid of the "anxiety disorder", I'll go back to drinking ... after all, $175 would pay for a HELL of a lot of booze!

I have been so damn TIRED ... the side effects of the Effexor also depressed my immune system (or maybe it was not getting any "real" sleep from that) so I have this cold which is just wiping me out ... I keep crashing when trying to read, which is NOT helpful, especially given the limited hours I have free. Last night I had "one of those dreams" where I was stuck on some problem ... it was decoding these little symbols ... they were like little computer icons, but they were in color arrays, and it was sort of like trying to read Chinese ... each was a pictogram that meant something in relationship to the others around it. I get dreams like this from time to time when I'm absolute FIXATED on a problem and can't solve it, but it means that I'm not really very rested, especially waking up every half hour or so trying to THINK about it. Bleh. I just bugged out on tomorrow night's LPC meeting, figuring I'd need the extra hours for studying for our first test which is Wednesday.

I sure hope that whatever the shrink comes up with will be "speedy" instead of "dopey" ... I can't handle anything that will make me more fucked up in terms of energy ... damn, it's hard to make a total time switch (these days I'm getting up about the time I've been going to bed for the past eight years)!

Anyway ... wrote a poem on various bus rides today (which is why this might be a bit disjointed ... but, again, time is at a premium these days and I need to get my writing in where I can), it's down behind that LJ-cut thing, so click on it already. Others are off at the very-much-neglected Archive site (yeah, I can't seem to squeeze out an hour a night for editing old poems right now) at ... click on that and make my counter go up (these days I'll settle for cheap thrills).

Visit the BTRIPP home page!

                    IN CORNERS ALL TOO SHADOWED

                    everything becomes descent,
                    there is no static
                    plane on which to stand,
                    we shift on currents
                    of what is meant to be
                    which lead to plummets,
                    cascading cataracts
                    onto rocks below

                    how much doubt,
                    how much fear,
                    how much terror
                    can be contained
                    in one mere life?
                    anguish like water
                    from sodden turf
                    bubbles up at every step

                    the darkness closes in,
                    we can not find the light;
                    awash in illness,
                    swallowed by exhaustion,
                    we stumble through decay
                    dragging down the hours
                    in pulsing agony,
                    swirling sickness

                    all intents
                    and every plan
                    are shattered here;
                    will goes brittle
                    and we're easy to defeat:
                    broken, damaged,
                    fractured and unwhole,
                    deep in death's grasp

                    the veils of grey
                    keep dropping in,
                    making being darker,
                    dimmer and so dire;
                    how can one continue
                    the effort of existence
                    in a world so set
                    to crush out life?

                             - Brendan Tripp

                    Copyright © 2002 by Brendan Tripp

visit the BTRIPP home page

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