BTRIPP (btripp) wrote,
BTRIPP
btripp

A really, really, really bad day ...

Have you ever had one of those when you just wonder WHEN IT WILL STOP?

A couple of weeks ago I had to "borrow" another chunk of cash our of my "last pocket", the roll-over from my retirement fund from my old PR job. This is in one of those things with early withdrawel penalties, etc., so it was the last resort (well, aside from selling our home). So, I painfully extracted this chunk of change from that and deposited the check in the bank, anticipating that we could scrape by on that for another six months. TODAY we get a letter from the bank ... WITH THE CHECK ... saying that they didn't deposit it since "the other person" hadn't signed! "The other person" being my accountant whose name is on the check since it's his office that manages the thing! When we had to dip into this before, there was no problem despositing it... now we're SCREWED ... not only have they BOUNCED all our majjor checks, they've LOCKED the account so we can't even put other money in to cover the over-drafts and FROZEN all our Citibank-related credit cards! So not only do we have no MONEY, we have no CREDIT ... but we have this damn check. The dickwad at the bank was explaining how "the other person" (my accountant) would have to show up IN PERSON to sign the check ... no matter that his office is out in the suburbs and does not come down often.

Now, as any even casual readers of this space will realize, I do NOT handle this stuff well. But, since the check was made out to me, I had to go over to the bank this morning to try to deal with it. I was there about an hour, by the end of which I was in tears and babbling about suicide. Still ... NOTHING ... I don't even think we can messenger the check out to my accountant's office and have him sign it and messenger it back. This is SO fucked ... ALL our major bills are bouncing and we can't do ANYTHING about it.

Do you think my stepping in front of a train tomorrow would be TOO scarring for the girls? It would certainly leave a crunchy edge to Fathers Day!

Oh, by the way ... a couple of poems ... this one was from Thursday, and I have one from yesterday that will be up in a few minutes.


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                    MURDERED WITHIN


                    these intentions, broken,
                    these plans destroyed;
                    we can not do
                    what we would do,
                    we can not mark
                    the lists of need
                    sufficiently to parry
                    the attacks of demand

                    tiles fall, collapsing
                    one into the next,
                    we fail at "a"
                    which undoes "b"
                    which scuttles "c"
                    which sabotages "d"
                    and on and on and on
                    until we've lost all

                    frozen years drag,
                    with nothing enabled;
                    we are paralyzed
                    but so that no one sees,
                    we can move our limbs
                    but not our will,
                    unchanged outside
                    yet murdered within

                    to escape, to flee,
                    our soul aches now,
                    but there is nowhere
                    not touched by the mundane,
                    there is no refuge waiting,
                    no sanctuary place
                    to which we might run
                    and be preserved

                    we are so tainted,
                    so immersed in grief,
                    all our losses
                    adhere and amass,
                    all our anguish
                    encompass and swells,
                    we grow so ill here
                    in this poisoned decay



                             - Brendan Tripp
                                06/13/2002

                    Copyright © 2002 by Brendan Tripp
 
 



visit the BTRIPP home page


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