February 20th, 2001


I seem to have some issues here ...

Bleh ... that last rant has been churning up all sorts of crap.

A friend of mine has often tried to "armchair psychoanalyze" me from the basis of my losing my father (with whom I was very closely bonded) at age 2. Lots of loss/impermanence/abandonment issues there. Obviously, a lot of other crap is sitting around in there regarding my childhood.

The fact that I have gone through the VAST majority of my life without ANY "affection" (as detailed in a long-ish comment in ArtVamp's journal a few months ago) is probably telling ... the absence of love, sex, affection, caring, even community in my life HAS to have on-going effects. My being in a loveless/sexless marriage is just a symptom of this. Certainly my acceptance of the effects of The Wife's psych meds (which I'm willing to credit with a significant part of the sexlessness and her constant rejection of any ovetures in that direction) was set up by the 5 year stretch in my mid-20's where I couldn't get laid to save my life. None of this is new. I've been a pariah all my life ... with the typical woman not wanting to be within phoning distance of me.

(sigh) This all, unfortunately, becomes the THEME of my existence ... NOTHING that involves other people ever works out ... in the network marketing biz I sometimes feel like a guy with a stand selling 25¢ bottles of water on the edge of the desert ... people come crawling out of the sand, parched nearly to death, take one look at me, and decide they'll see what's over the next dune! Bleh ... if it wasn't for the girls (Daughters #1 and #2), I'd chuck it all and run off to the Yucatan or the Andes, and indulge my passions for archaeology and writing in a renewed boozy mania.

Oh, and from the "can't win for losing" category ... the fucking rental car got TOWED this morning ... we had mistakenly figured that since it was a fucking HOLIDAY the "rush hour" tow zones wouldn't be being enforced ... we were wrong to to tune of $115.00 for the tow and $50.00 for the ticket ... more that the fucking rental cost in the first place. The ONLY good thing was that I got out of the house early enough to go get the fucking car out of the pound in time to drive it back out to O'Hare before we had to pay extra for the rental!

Some days (in the words of the movie Caligula) I "wish that Rome had but one head"!

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OK ... so, some poetry ...

I don't know ... I've just not been writing. Of course, in the current modality, I only seem to be able to write when left to myself away from the computer for a given length of time. Since I've either been at my computer (where, again, for some strange reason, I seem unable to compose poetry ... which used to not be the case) or not alone. This weekend I had the two El rides to O'Hare to deal with the car rental, and this and the one following came from those times.

                    BROKEN, SCATTERED, LOST

                    so much goes without
                    we lose the words
                    spun of dreams
                    and waking sleep
                    we transit twixt
                    the place we are
                    and the frame
                    of distance seen

                    too many things
                    are lodestone to the eye
                    too many oceans
                    deem our immersion
                    as their right
                    too many worlds
                    tax this soul
                    as subject of the realm

                    we are divided
                    into so many ways
                    bits and packets
                    all seeking to expand
                    to fill the whole
                    overlaying with demand
                    every moment
                    every fragment of our time

                    the source is missing
                    the central theme
                    has been displaced
                    we lie in doldrums
                    lacking current
                    craving wind
                    searching streams
                    to carry us away

                    every function
                    and facet of our lives
                    stands justified
                    within its light
                    but none have bearing
                    upon the world
                    floating empty
                    like treasures in our dreams

                             - Brendan Tripp

                    Copyright © 2001 by Brendan Tripp

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More poetry ...

Ah, what a lovely mood we were in this morning ... I get pre-verbal just thinking about it. The level of violence which is harbored in my heart is truly frightening ... I'm always amazed that I have as yet not killed anybody in a moment of uncautiously-triggered rage. Good thing I don't have to drive on a daily basis, as I'd be the guy waving the Uzi in traffic! Grrrrrr...

                    TO BE BROUGHT DOWN AGAIN

                    beaten down
                    the world conspires
                    to crush the soul
                    to break the spirit
                    and cause the mind
                    to ache for death

                    our days become
                    a sadist circus
                    with endless rings
                    of cruel amusement
                    for unseen eyes
                    that crave our pain
                    our humiliation
                    and degradation

                    at every turn
                    new banes arise
                    new forms of bleeding
                    to drain our strength
                    to sap resources
                    to suck out hope
                    from every corner
                    where even prayers might yet reside

                    we are the bird
                    beneath the cat
                    broken, bloody
                    yet not quite dead
                    flopping in our agonies
                    giving claws and teeth fresh play
                    while wishing death would take us hence
                    freeing us from pain

                    all that's left to us
                    is hatred
                    a burning fire that would consume
                    all things connected to that world
                    to tear all down
                    in conflagration
                    to purge all taint
                    of the damning race

                             - Brendan Tripp

                    Copyright © 2001 by Brendan Tripp

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This sucks ...

Man, I just can't get a break ... I had stacked a LOT of hope on this certificate program in Web Development at DePaul University, I just got my application fee refunded with a rejection letter telling me, essentially, that I don't have the tecnichal chops to do the work ... despite DOING web development for various projects for the past six years!

Motherfuckers. I swear, I'm going to end up flipping burgers at McDonalds because my resume doesn't fit the peg holes that are out there ... in the name of all that is holy!, I have been a Vice President in a prestigious P.R. firm, I have run my own companies in publishing and meeting planning, I have degrees in English, Art, and Comparative Relgions, and advanced degrees in Metaphysics, I have in-depth background in gourmet cuisine, I am a kick-ass writer, I have a great design eye and am obsessive about detail, all this and NOBODY will hire me, NOBODY will even let me into a fucking training program!

What's the fucking deal? Too bad none of my current projects make any money ... I'd LOVE to have just ONE of my "discordian workings" hit the jackpot so I could say a big huge FUCK YOU to the whole god-damned mundane world (and I'd do it with billboards on the fucking freeway too!).

Man, this sucks.

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