October 18th, 2001

Loon

I don't know why I bother anymore ...

Really ... it is getting to the point where it just seems meaningless to even try. Excepting the none-too-excellent possibility of a lottery win, there are NO good options, no way out of this without having everything I care about destroyed. Even if I got a big fat PR job (not very likely given the current economy, let alone the slim to none chance that ANYBODY would hire somebody in my current mental state), I think we'd be losing our home. And I'm SURE I'm a dead man if I get into a situation where I have to commute to work ... the temptation to drive under the wheels of a semi would be just too damn much on a twice-a-day basis. I don't know what's going to happen. I can NOT deal with this. I broke down crying on the El today coming back from Daughter #1's dojo class ... it's so hard to explain to her (at 5) why Daddy is such a sack of shit. Today's tear trigger ... realizing that all the positive activity and school options that we've had lined up are probably fucked too ... that she and her sister will be stuck in some fucking pit, at the mercy of the public schools, without anything of quality in their lives at all. I have failed them. I have doomed them. The curse upon me is destroying them even before they've had a chance. Everything is so god-damned fucked.


                    OUR HELL, DAMNATION


                    stunned, in shock
                    frozen to inaction
                    dragged down into sleep
                    without result
                    and not the sleep
                    that comforts the mass
                    an evil sleep
                    which seeks to hide

                    nothing works here
                    I am too damaged
                    too broken by days
                    of unending failure
                    all my efforts
                    go for naught
                    as though they weren't
                    or were but dreams

                    no options bide
                    all routes destroy
                    all tomorrows
                    promise pain
                    all our futures
                    are drawn in blood
                    and chain and blades
                    and crushing weight

                    I am sickened by this
                    every moment drags
                    like looking over edges
                    into precipitous declines
                    every day descends
                    as though in free-fall
                    we flail in panic
                    in search of grip

                    but there is nothing here
                    which would steady us
                    we live in nightmares
                    from which none wake
                    a madly poisoned evil world
                    which is full of monsters
                    and cruel traps
                    which yet await



                             - Brendan Tripp
                                10/17/2001

                    Copyright © 2001 by Brendan Tripp
 
 



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Loon

Oh, and to top THAT off ...

I go to listen to Art Bell on the computer tonight and what do I find? The fucking show's gone subscription! Now, I only get to listen to Art about once a month (I can only manage it if I'm in the middle of a major "busy-hands" sort of project), so it's sure as hell not something that I can afford right now. Which is, of course, pretty fucking much par for the course for my life right now ... ANYTHING which is a "positive" or a "pleasure" is ripped away. I am left with nothing, nothing fucking at all...


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