October 23rd, 2001


more "bad weirdness"

Hey ... wrote this a few days ago, but it's taken me this long to get it typed up and posted here ... not that you were breathlessly waiting for new morbidity from me, or anything.

Speaking of morbidity ... things just get more and more fucked up. My Father-in-law and his new wife are in town visiting (The Girls had a "dedication" ceremony over at the Church yesterday, and so both surviving grandparents showed up) ... we were getting ready to drag them up to see Daughter #1 at her Dojo class this afternoon, when I get a call from my Cousin in Seattle, who tells me that my Aunt had committed suicide on Sunday. Now, she had been trying to "sell" my Mom on this concept earlier in the year, so we've been having to tip-toe around this. In fact, we weren't going to be TELLING her anything until tomorrow (to let all of us get our acts together) but my Brother's wife "spilled the beans" at least in terms of my Aunt being dead. So, I get a call at the Dojo from my Wife who had heard from my Mom who had heard from my Sister-in-law. Now, my Mom was all pissed at my Cousin about why he didn't call HER directly with the news. He did eventually speak with her, but opted to NOT tell her the details of how my Aunt died ... so when I got down to my Mom's place after getting everybody home from the Dojo, I had NO IDEA what she knew ... so was, again, having to tip-toe around stuff. It became pretty obvious that she DIDN'T know the details (so I was having to pretend to not know the details) ... and I ended up calling my Cousin from there to sort of scope out what had gone on. Right now, we're letting things sort of go with her just knowing that her Sister had finally died (in her 90's), without "burdening" her with the details. Frankly, I think it would be "just as well" if she didn't have to know ... especially since we had her on a "suicide watch" earlier this year ... but both The Wife and my Brother are of the opinion that we're not going to be able to keep this info from her, especially since BOTH sets of in-laws already know the details. We're going to see how things play out this week ... my Brother will be coming in to town next weekend and we may or may not fill my mom in on all the details then. As my Cousin told my Brother ... "it was not a pretty sight" ... and it may be just better to not have THAT image be the last one my Mom has of her big sister.

Heavy sigh.

                    A TARGET, SO DESTROYED

                    the nightmare maintains
                    without awakening
                    for every dawn
                    opens up new doors
                    into this madness
                    this degradation
                    the humiliation
                    of every day

                    there is no relief
                    and no release
                    even as mind drifts
                    in and out of focus
                    we can only run so far
                    before distraction
                    snaps away, unmasking
                    once more this pain

                    so dismal,
                    so grim,
                    a world so dark
                    and spiritually void
                    that has no place
                    for the likes of me;
                    I stand out, alien
                    a target for grey

                    how can I live
                    enmeshed in this?
                    how can I function
                    in the web of lies
                    which forms the norm,
                    the dull miasma,
                    fen of the mundane,
                    so foreign to my soul?

                    of course, surviving
                    is not the point ...
                    I am the game, hunted
                    I am the place of aim
                    the world destroys me
                    as if in sport,
                    grinds me to nothing
                    and spits into my void

                             - Brendan Tripp

                    Copyright © 2001 by Brendan Tripp

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Bleh ...

Dozens of resumes out each week ... not a single response (even to tell me to fuck off and die!).
Relatives in town.
Other relatives killing themselves.
A dozen major projects with no time to get to them.
New computer stuff with no time to install it.
Four thousand poems to get up on the web.
Another day older and deeper in debt (where the FUCK am I going to get the money for that damn real estate tax payment???).

Sucks to be me.

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More sheep-like bahaviour

Ya know ... I thought I'd get a higher score than this. I guess painting things black counted a lot on this quiz. For pity's sake, I'm 44 years old ... I've written nearly 4,000 dark morbid poems ... I don't fucking HAVE to have black satin sheets!

I AM 45% GOTH.

Oh My Goth! You Goth, Girl. There is a
good chance I am bi. Freakiness pumps
through my viens, but I can still laugh
at myself.

Take the GOTH Test at Fuali.com!

OK ... so, "freakiness" DOES pump through my veins ...

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SHIT ... this is MY gig, dammit!

Man, I hate this "other people committing suicide" crap! I much prefer darkly contemplating how best to off MYSELF than having to deal with dead relatives, let alone being on "suicide watches" for OTHER relatives!

These other folks deaths aren't solving ANYTHING ... at least if *I* were dead, my family would have money to carry on in the lifestyle to which they're accustomed ... maybe this fucking headache is an embolism and I'll be dead by the end of the week ... one can always hope!

Fucking shit ... everything sucks so bad!

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