June 15th, 2002


A really, really, really bad day ...

Have you ever had one of those when you just wonder WHEN IT WILL STOP?

A couple of weeks ago I had to "borrow" another chunk of cash our of my "last pocket", the roll-over from my retirement fund from my old PR job. This is in one of those things with early withdrawel penalties, etc., so it was the last resort (well, aside from selling our home). So, I painfully extracted this chunk of change from that and deposited the check in the bank, anticipating that we could scrape by on that for another six months. TODAY we get a letter from the bank ... WITH THE CHECK ... saying that they didn't deposit it since "the other person" hadn't signed! "The other person" being my accountant whose name is on the check since it's his office that manages the thing! When we had to dip into this before, there was no problem despositing it... now we're SCREWED ... not only have they BOUNCED all our majjor checks, they've LOCKED the account so we can't even put other money in to cover the over-drafts and FROZEN all our Citibank-related credit cards! So not only do we have no MONEY, we have no CREDIT ... but we have this damn check. The dickwad at the bank was explaining how "the other person" (my accountant) would have to show up IN PERSON to sign the check ... no matter that his office is out in the suburbs and does not come down often.

Now, as any even casual readers of this space will realize, I do NOT handle this stuff well. But, since the check was made out to me, I had to go over to the bank this morning to try to deal with it. I was there about an hour, by the end of which I was in tears and babbling about suicide. Still ... NOTHING ... I don't even think we can messenger the check out to my accountant's office and have him sign it and messenger it back. This is SO fucked ... ALL our major bills are bouncing and we can't do ANYTHING about it.

Do you think my stepping in front of a train tomorrow would be TOO scarring for the girls? It would certainly leave a crunchy edge to Fathers Day!

Oh, by the way ... a couple of poems ... this one was from Thursday, and I have one from yesterday that will be up in a few minutes.

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... and you wondered why the "mundane world" is my nemesis?

Man ... the poem below was about stuff from yesterday but it sure as hell looks predictive for today. Some times I wonder how the hell I keep going. The Wife is always on my ass about how my moods "aren't anything that everybody else deals with" ... well, if they ARE what everybody else deals with, why aren't there rivers of blood in the streets and violence and chaos on every corner? This is what I've never "gotten" ... when I was a kid my shrink would say "just assume that everybody else feels pretty much the same way you do" ... which was bullshit since 99.95% of the race is (in Gurdjieff's terms) "asleep" and the fact that for most of my life I had only two emotional settings, depression and rage ... it was hard adjusting to the fact that most folks were working with far duller palettes, if with a few more hues. Why do "normal people" assume that one's rage, anguish, obsession, fear, hatred, and grief are fleeting little surface ripples on top of the Big Mundane Sleep? Are my emotional controls "set to 11" or am I just awake to actually feel them? What a nightmare ... what an unholy fucking NIGHTMARE!

Enjoy the poem, though ...

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