May 24th, 2003


darker and darker and darker

(sigh) ... Losing Nikki was horrible, but it looks like that's just the first of a whole new onslaught of bad stuff.

I can't get a job. I can't even get a resume acknowledged. I have 15 years of P.R. experience, 10 years of publishing experience, am a former CMP (a major meeting planning accreditation), and I've now re-trained for "web development & business programming" ... but I can't get ANYBODY to even consider hiring me.

No job for me, plus a piddly-shit current job for The Wife equals no money. We liquidated all the stuff we could without major penalty to survive this far. This month is the last of the money. It looks like we're going to have to sell our home and move somewhere else. Where? I don't know. Probably someplace semi-rural so we can buy a place cheap. Are there jobs there? Who knows. I am sick sick sick sickened by this stuff.

We love our home ... we own it outright. Our taxes and assessment are not more than we'd be paying to rent half the space most any other place. We love the schools our girls are in ... Daughter #1's is a block away and has the International Baccalaureat program. We don't want to move, but with just one half-assed income (The Wife is now making less than half of what she was when we got married), there is not enough money to cover. And I can't get a job. NOTHING. At this point we might be able to squeak by if I was making 1/3 of what I used to ... but again, nobody is even taking a look at me.

I can't tell you how black everything looks right now. The chorus of the Sex Pistol's "God Save The Queen" is echoing endlessly in my brain ... there's no future ... no future ... no future for you ... no future for me. I wish I could have taken a needle with Nikki last night ... at least The Girls would have a future ... no Daddy, but a future ... and what sort of future will anybody have if it's going to be sucked down the toilet with me?

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Chakra test ...

We interrupt our regularly-scheduled anguished public breakdown with an interesting quiz ...

Snagged from renwick's journal, here are my results from the Chakra Test ...

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I suppose I should know more about what that means, aside from the not-too-surprising results of "living in my head".

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