August 30th, 2006

Sad

(sigh)

Some days ...
A pill to make you numb
A pill to make you dumb
A pill to make you anybody else
But all the drugs in this world
Wont save her from herself
... it doesn't get much realer than that ... I'm just sayin'


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Loon

More darkness ... you wanted more, right?

La, la, la, la, la ... so it might not be Marilyn Manson, but it's got its own style of darkness, yes?

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Now, if I'm not mistaken, with this entry I'm all caught up with those various little notebooks. Obviously, I've not done audio for a zillion poems, but I have at least gotten everything that was scribbled and scrawled in various places typed up and in a file on the computer. I suppose that's something. So, all the stuff that's likely to be appearing here from now on will be new. I did write about 80% of one today, and need to get that finished up, so that might be showing up as soon as tomorrow. Lucky you, eh?


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Doom

Feeling way too depressed ...

I don't know what exactly triggered it, but I hit one of those rollercoaster drops today. I'd gone down to CTC this afternoon for the Tuesday "peer group", which went so-so (I don't even want to get into what was pissing me off in that) ... then got bummed out about finding that one has a definite time limit on using the CTC (well, hopefully I'll get hired somewhere before that happens, but the discovery had "you're screwed" written all over it). I suppose it's probably due to The Wife planning on "doing the bills" tomorrow, which always gets me feeling like we're doomed with no possible hope.

On the semi bright side, I got a call from the Hotel which had supposedly hired me weeks ago, saying all the drug screens and background checks had come through fine and that there just hadn't been enough function business of late for the catering manager to need to call me in (it's a part-time "on call" bartending gig, and I knew going in that it was only likely to be a couple of days a week). I keep thinking that they should at least have me come in for some sort of orientation, so we don't find me getting called in and not even knowing where I'm supposed to be!

Another possibility on what triggered the current depression was going to my first ToastMasters meeting. I'd been meaning to check out ToastMasters for quite a while (it had been suggested to me for "networking" many times over the years). What bummed me out there was thinking that I was very likely the only unemployed person in the room. Plus, I was pretty likely the oldest there (or second or third oldest), with most of the folks being very focused young professionals with great jobs, good paychecks, decent benefits, and PLANS for their future. Me, I'm just trying to figure a way to keep my family from having to live in cardboard boxes under a bridge. It's amazing how many people "are so impressed with me" and how that never fucking translates into even a job lead. I'm doomed ... doomed! (sigh) Unless I throw myself under a bus tomorrow, I'm likely going to try another ToastMasters group in the neighborhood tomorrow evening ... maybe this one won't make me feel like such a slug (but I wouldn't put a bet on that).

Oh, one other not-bad thing ... one of the gals in the "peer group" was interested in trying to have me work with her with the Hypnotism stuff ... even knowing that I'm just getting started. It will be interesting to actualy have a client!


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Loon

You were just ACHING for something new, yes?

Yeah, I know ... almost all the stuff I've been putting up in here recently has been four to six years old. I really have been meaning to write stuff, but it just hasn't been gelling into any form that's been accessible to me to capture with pen and paper. I did, however, spew one out yesterday. I don't think it's particularly coincidental that when I'm feeling my worst is the only time when the poems come these days.

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"Back in the day", when I was writing 250 poems a year, I had a structure ... heck, when I went back to school for the I.T. stuff, I started writing regularly again (if at a considerably lesser pace than 21 poems a month). Obviously, part of the problem is having no "schedule" ... maybe if by some fucking miracle I actually manage to get a job I might be able to get back to writing! Of course, if I started posting 21 poems a month in here everybody would drop me from their Friends Lists (or maybe just take up a collection for me to get some therapy)!


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