October 21st, 2006

Doom

Depressed and aimless ...

Wow ... that wasn't any fun.

With no specific "trigger", I had a really abysmal day ... from a full-on tourettes-esque screaming fit in the middle of a busy sidewalk to a swing into "figure out ways to kill myself off" depression into feeling totally hopeless and useless and pointless.

I think I may be "starting early" on the negative reaction to not getting the publishing job. Not that I've heard anything yet, but I tend to slide into emotional reactions suited to worse-case scenarios when I don't know what my status is. Of course I went through this before when it was looking like I wasn't going to be called in for an interview, then had a great interview ... but all the rationalization in the world can't convince my "emotional self" that I might not be doomed.

Days like this I realy miss drinking ... when I drank enough I didn't have to feel anything.


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Horse

additional bummers ...

Since I'm on a downward spiral here ...

I was so bummed when we went over to "Deals" after The Girls' Dojo classes today. Deals used to be an "everything for a dollar" dollar store, and had a huge selection. Well, they've changed. They've dropped the whole dollar concept (well, I guess most of the stuff in there is still a dollar), and now have a bunch of other stuff that costs as much as ten bucks (like crappy jeans). Sure, there still is a whole lot of stuff there which is a great deal (balloons, gift bags, etc.), but suddenly you're having to pay attention to make sure the thing you picked up isn't $7.50 instead of $1.00 ... which creates a stress situation (for me at least). It's almost like going to Walgreens now, but with crappier stuff. I can't imagine that they'll survive long on this new marketing model ... it suddenly feels "creepy" going in there. That sucks.


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The Black Oil

Oh, and ...

Got called in to bartend tomorrow night.

As "psychologically fragile" as I'm feeling I'm really worried that I'm going to have another night like my birthday (when I made next to nothing in tips) rather than like last week (when I averaged something like $25/hr in tips). I think if have another real bad night I'm going to want to just roll under a bus.

At least my Bears have the week off. I don't know how I'd be able to handle watching another game like Monday night's at this point.


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