BTRIPP (btripp) wrote,

Bleh ...

Very depressed again today.

I've been acting strangely the past week or so. I've actually been sorting through some of the large stacks of paper in my office and throwing bag after bag after bag of them out. This all began logically enough (in my world), as my old (as in OLD ... I'm guessing 12-15 years) fax machine had run out of the last roll of thermal paper in the middle of something, so I was motivated to finally make the switch over to the new fax machine that The Wife had bought me a couple of Xmases ago (I think I've mentioned having a problem with moving over to new machines/programs). Well, this involved many cables, and getting into the whole "wire jungle" behind my various desks. This, in turn, involved moving a lot of said stacks of paper. Well, after a few hours, I had the wire issue finalized, but I'd also moved two laser printers, six file boxes, and trashed six bags of paper, and I hadn't switched the fax yet (and that ended up being a major pain in the ass, but that's a whole different rant). Anyway, I probably DOUBLED the amount of visible carpet on this side of the office in this process.

Then, yesterday, I got into "the land on the other side of the desk" ... someday I may show a picture of my office ... it has windows on one end, bookcases on 3 walls, an "L" shaped desk in the middle (plus three other desks), and a little bitty pathway through it. In any event, the "window" end of the room is like six feet of space behind my desk, where there is a "reading chair" and piles and piles of old stuff, as well as my new computer (which is still waiting for me to make the switch over to it). While not quite where I'd like it to be, the situation back there is no longer "one mass", but has access into all areas.

I'm such a packrat, though ... it takes a HUGE effort to get me to throw out even the ephemera from various trips (boarding passes, ticket envelopes, mapquest print-outs, in-flight magazines), so much of the mess here is pretty much on that level. I also print out everything when I'm working on it, so I end up with huge piles of paper which were essential when a particular project was underway, but have faded in importance over time. Unfortunately, I have a hard time filtering on that "importance gauge", so if anything is even near the "I might need this info sometime" setting, it get saved, even though the needle is clearly over in the "I'm probably never going to need this" range!

Anyway, I've been worried about myself because a) I'm depressed, and b) I'm throwing things out. While I'm typically angry and anxious and angsty and aggravated, I'm not usually "DEPRESSED" depressed, and "throwing things out" is (for me) a real terminal behavior, not unrelated (in retrospect) to the fourth stanza of the poem "Locked To Decay" that I posted on Friday! Admittedly, I have had a history of getting seriously bummed out around my birthday ... but this seems different.

Of course, a lot of the "throwing stuff out" might have something to do with the "transfer of power" at Eschaton. We finally "pulled the trigger" on my selling Eschaton to Telepathic Media, and Ed is coming by on Tuesday with a van to take all the books down to Hoopeston. Of course, I'm only selling a partial interest (and no money is changing hands) but it's a HUGE change for me (Ed and his group will now be handling all order fulfillment, paperwork, etc.), but they will be the "official owners" (sort of like Al Davis and the Raiders, especially if anybody asks in the course of my job search) and I'll just be a consultant, perhaps "Chairman Emeritus". Somehow there is a lot of stuff that seems to be "no longer my problem" and is able to get the heave-ho.

Anyway ... I'm thinking I might try to get more poems typed up today (the little booklet I'm currently writing in still has 8 poems from February and March that haven't been decoded from my scrawl as yet), so that might be "good therapy" (though not as good as winning the lottery or finally getting a damn job!). I can't exactly say you have that "to look forward to", but I guess "forewarned is forearmed". Heh.

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