BTRIPP (btripp) wrote,

Losing so much ...

I've been sleeping a lot in the late afternoons and early evenings ... I find I can fall asleep then, when my mind's too busy with stuff at night. But my dreams ... they're rough. I have dreams of so much LOSS ... it's hard to take. I woke up a few minutes before 9pm tonight feeling so lost. I generally have a very poor memory ... if I don't have pictures, receipts, programs, etc. to anchor memories, they tend to fade off quickly. With the loss of my Mom, I seem to have lost virtually ALL of my youth ... no longer can I have a half, quarter, or fleeting remembrance of something and pick up the phone to ask her about it. Unless I can find data on these things, they're gone forever. I even had a dream about the Process, and losing something from that. Dreams too about being entombed in charnel houses, but big complex ones, almost out of The Matrix.

The forgetting vs. documenting thing makes me very glad for LiveJournal. I've not been as good as I'd like for recording "mundane" stuff, but maybe I should make a more pointed effort to log in the details.

Today was Daughter #2's first trip up to "Kiddie Anger Therapy" ... The Wife said she was real good there (which could be counter-productive ... how do you change the bad behavior if she won't manifest it with observers?).

Daughter #1 and I went over to my Mom's this morning. A couple of my Mom's gals still were owed money from the last week, and I hadn't gotten around to pulling the trigger on cutting those checks (and they were calling about them), so I needed to get over there for that. I also got started on packing up my Mom's stuff. Needless to say, this is VERY hard, especially when I hit stuff that has "a history" and lots of memories attached. I filled up about half of an 8-cubic-foot box with nothing but various votive candle holders. I figured I'd start with her Den, since that had the most "excess tchotchkes" and we're trying to strip down to "uncluttered elegance" for showing the place. It is going to be very rough on me when I get into the closet in there, as there are things back there which have all sorts of remembered and half-remembered histories, and (as noted above), I really wish I could ask my Mom about most of it before I bubble-pack it.

It was snowing like crazy today, first with white-out blizzard horizontal snow, then with big quarter-sized fluffly flakes. I'm guessing we got 3-4 inches. Daughter #1 and I trudged through it on the way over to my Mom's and through more of it on the way out to Dojo. We had to run the last block to catch the 36 ... I opted for grabbing the bus to go the 4-5 blocks to the subway rather than doing more "arctic exploration" ... we got the southbound and so ended up at the Chicago stop. Due to the snow, the trains were running a bit off, so we were almost late getting her to class. It was time to re-up her for the next year of Dojo, and the rates had gone up slightly, but I think it ended up less than $10 more on the quarterly payments I've been making. I also had to go out to get a money order while she was at Dojo (an eBay purchase where the seller ended up not taking PayPal), and then stopped off at this Chinese place for a bite ... they had a special of six chicken wings and fries for $1.99! ... but it was taking too long, so I told them I'd be back and went and got #1 and trudged back over there where we split that.

I was so tired that I was falling asleep on the train ... and when we got home I nodded off while #1 was getting her stuff ready to go over for a sleep-over with the Twins. Her main friend is the BOY ... and I sometimes wonder if we're setting up bad precedents at letting her sleep over there ... but I guess at 8 it's not yet an "issue", but I don't think I want this going for more than another year or so!

I was talking tonight with my Mom's best friend (who is coming over tomorrow to help me get my Mom's ashes from the funeral home), and while chatting I opened up an e-mail from my Brother ... on top of everything else going on, he just got canned from his job on Friday! Not that anybody's having a tag day for them (and he said there was a nice severance package), it's got to come as a shock.

Anyway, I got a new digital cam yesterday for taking pics of stuff before I pack it up for storage at my Mom's place, and I got one very cool shot of our street with all the snow. Maybe I'll get it up here tomorrow.

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