A friend of mine has often tried to "armchair psychoanalyze" me from the basis of my losing my father (with whom I was very closely bonded) at age 2. Lots of loss/impermanence/abandonment issues there. Obviously, a lot of other crap is sitting around in there regarding my childhood.
The fact that I have gone through the VAST majority of my life without ANY "affection" (as detailed in a long-ish comment in ArtVamp's journal a few months ago) is probably telling ... the absence of love, sex, affection, caring, even community in my life HAS to have on-going effects. My being in a loveless/sexless marriage is just a symptom of this. Certainly my acceptance of the effects of The Wife's psych meds (which I'm willing to credit with a significant part of the sexlessness and her constant rejection of any ovetures in that direction) was set up by the 5 year stretch in my mid-20's where I couldn't get laid to save my life. None of this is new. I've been a pariah all my life ... with the typical woman not wanting to be within phoning distance of me.
(sigh) This all, unfortunately, becomes the THEME of my existence ... NOTHING that involves other people ever works out ... in the network marketing biz I sometimes feel like a guy with a stand selling 25¢ bottles of water on the edge of the desert ... people come crawling out of the sand, parched nearly to death, take one look at me, and decide they'll see what's over the next dune! Bleh ... if it wasn't for the girls (Daughters #1 and #2), I'd chuck it all and run off to the Yucatan or the Andes, and indulge my passions for archaeology and writing in a renewed boozy mania.
Oh, and from the "can't win for losing" category ... the fucking rental car got TOWED this morning ... we had mistakenly figured that since it was a fucking HOLIDAY the "rush hour" tow zones wouldn't be being enforced ... we were wrong to to tune of $115.00 for the tow and $50.00 for the ticket ... more that the fucking rental cost in the first place. The ONLY good thing was that I got out of the house early enough to go get the fucking car out of the pound in time to drive it back out to O'Hare before we had to pay extra for the rental!
Some days (in the words of the movie Caligula) I "wish that Rome had but one head"!