BTRIPP (btripp) wrote,

And, finally ... #3

Yeah, wrote this one tonight. Had one of those "WHAM" things happen. After spending the past three days in rather intense activity trying to salvage what was left of my publishing business (including unloading 2,500+ pounds of books this morning and getting them "restocked" in our storage locker), the first thing The Wife has to say to me this afternoon is a SCREAMING RANT about how fucked our finances are. Mind you, I have been personally trying to live "within our means" for the past several years, while she spends like the proverbial drunken sailor. But it is, of course, ALL MY FAULT. And, as of right now, we have "fumes" left to MAYBE get through next month. After that ... nothing ... have to sell (or at least get a loan on) the apartment.

Now, The Wife has always been very negative about EVERY ONE of my "entrepreneurial projects". She married a P.R. Executive who was making a six figure salary and I guess that's the guy she wants around. Never mind that he used to punch gaping holes in the walls and go on hour-long crying jags, never mind that he had ulcers, a heart condition, migraine headaches, and was a prime candidate to not live to see 40 ... never mind that *I* who used to be that fucking corporate cog am a FAR happier, healthier, and SANER (well, that might be argued) person now, 87 months into no paycheck than I was when I was pulling down a hundred thousand bucks.

From the very beginning, she wanted to me to go get another P.R. job (despite the fact I was still in a hospital bed recuperating from the car crash when my old P.R. job vaporized). I did do stuff like get my C.M.P. (Certified Meeting Professional) accreditation, but at that point I was SO "burned out" that I just couldn't see exchanging one hell-hole job for a new hell-hole job, and tried to start my own company, E.P. Events. Unfortunately, a combination of factors (heck, one of the reasons the P.R. business closed down was that our meeting business was drying up), led to my never landing a "real" account (despite writing a whole string of very-well-received proposals, none of which ever got funded), and this business sort of floated in the background, doing the occasional consulting gig (sort of like my current involvement in Telepathic Media). She fought me every step of the way on Eschaton and has been constantly hostile to every effort I've made towards building my Network Marketing business, even to the point of deliberately sabotaging various efforts over the years.

Now, I have been TRYING to find a job over the past 2-3 years when things have looked bleak for the book business. But I have a bitch of a resume at this point, and (for example) I've been told by three different P.R. agencies that "they wouldn't be comfortable" putting a former senior exec in a mid-level position, EVEN THOUGH I was very clear in being quite willing to take that job. I've also had my resume "round filed" on several occasions when I've made the mistake of sending along (requested) "salary histories", again, the companies figuring that somebody who was making six figures in 1993 wouldn't "stoop" to taking 60K in 2000. I have been trying to be as active as possible in various political/cultural/religious organizations to "network", and I think it is beginning to pay off ... I have the first "real lead" on a possible JOB on the table right now. But, of course, she picks NOW to rag my ass about this.

What set me off? Her comment "it's been the same damn thing the past 8 years ... you're no closer to getting a job than you were in 1994!". Now, let me see if my recall is working here ... I have spent virtually that entire 8 year span working an average of 14 hours a day, seven days a week, trying to build various businesses, working my body and mind to the point of absolute exhaustion on a daily basis, trying to survive on 3 hours of sleep to have time for the Girls (as our daughters arrived) ... but NO ... NONE of that matters .... "I'm no closer to having a job than I was in 1994" ... NOTHING that I've done has meant anything to her. It's ALL FAILURE. It's all WASTING TIME. For all she cares, I might as well have spent the last 8 years hanging out at the Ballpark (one of the activities I had to GIVE UP when I went into this entrepreneurial madness!). And, of course, despite the fact that she took TWO YEARS OFF of work for each of our daughters ... IT'S ALL MY FALUT.

Anyway, this is what came out of this tonight. Frankly, the way I was feeling this evening, the whole "vision of horrible death" I was having before the Michigan trip was actually the Universe saying "KILL YOURSELF NOW!" and offering a clear vision of "a way out". Hell, we just upgraded our insurance ... The Wife and the girls would live very comfortably on that (gee, just like they had old Mr. Six Figure back) if I had ONLY had the SENSE to drive that fucking truck with a full tank of gas into an overpass support going 70 mph. Stupid me.

                    THIS NIGHTMARE WHICH IS HOME

                    and now this darkness
                    becomes required
                    we pass on through
                    our concrete fears
                    only to arrive
                    in a place of blame
                    and loss and agonies
                    here waiting unawares

                    perhaps the other
                    would be preferred
                    the pain of fire,
                    twisted metal, tubes,
                    and fading death
                    to the anguish and shame
                    of this darker place
                    which acts as home

                    for we are now
                    the focus of descent
                    the one whose failings
                    form the pattern of the day,
                    as all point to here
                    accusing us of everything,
                    every defeat, every loss,
                    every emptiness between

                    worst of all
                    all our intents
                    all our efforts
                    all our trials
                    are swept aside
                    as though we had not striven
                    as though we hadn't pressed
                    to the very limit of our strength

                    yes, we have no support,
                    no understanding, and no love;
                    our years of driving,
                    doing battle with the void,
                    are thrown away
                    without regard,
                    with only our failures
                    noted as our fate

                             - Brendan Tripp

                    Copyright © 2001 by Brendan Tripp

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