BTRIPP (btripp) wrote,

Sometimes you just KNOW ...

I had been putting off opening up an e-mail from my Brother, because I knew anything he had to tell me was going to upset me, and I was right. I was catching up on some mail in my AOL account and I noticed that this one piece of mail was pretty close to "evaporating" (mail disappears after 21 days over there), so I figured I'd better open it so it would at least find its way to the "filing cabinet". Not that there was anything specifically upset-making in the e-mail (at least to most "normal" people), but it sent me off on a downward spiral of increasing depression all night. (sigh)

I guess on a lot of levels I've not "dealt" with my Mom's death fully, and the financial aspects (I am so "money-phobic" that I can't even open mail from my bank) are a particular mine field for me. Of course, my little brother is "Mr. Business School", so all he ever things about is "the money angle", and this has made it very hard for me to communicate with him (especially given how much I was trying to cling to anything evoking memories of my Mom, where for him it seemed to be 100% about dumping stuff for tax deductions, etc., etc., etc.). I've been feeling sick since reading that, like being in a fast-dropping elevator.

The only good thing to come from it was that I got the rest of the ceiling painted in the living room. I'd gotten about 2/3rds of it done a while back, but ran out of paint (no, really, our next-door Ace Hardware went a month without getting in any more of what I was using, and I finally ended up having to go to another location to get more!), and, of course, gearing back into a project like that is a pain in the ass, so I had been waiting for "the right time" to move furniture around and unfold drop cloths. Well, throwing myself into a physical project was something that I needed today, so that I wouldn't have to think/feel.

Needless to say, it didn't help having my BEARS blow that game like they did today, either.

Bleh. Days like this I rather desperately miss drinking. :-(

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