Oh, yeah ... should have seen it coming ... should have made the prediction, looked brilliant. OF COURSE anything that seems "good" or "promising" or "hopeful" or "hey, at last my luck is turning!" has got to be bogus, and sure as Hell ... it turns out that way. Fuck. I want to believe SO BAD that things will get better. I want to be able to say "see ... all that work is paying off", but the fucking universe won't have it. It will let just enough light in to make it look like a new dawn and then smash down the illusion and laugh at the pain. Fuck. Fuck. Fuck. If I could hate any more than I already do, if I had any bits of me that weren't already curdled into bitterness, if I had one sappy sliver of trust left in me, this would serve to twist it all into that world-crushing rage which only frustrates in its intensity. Like Caligula said in the dirty movie bearing his name "If only Rome had but one neck!" ... if only I could reach out and choke the life out of a malevolent world that revels in my torment, if only I could bash the fucking smirk off it's damned demonic face!
THE CONTINUING SLIDE
swirling miasmas of disappointment enveloping fog banks of pain we have landed in vile centers cast in nightmares spun from dreams
nothing anticipated finds fruition nothing constructed deigns to stand we have fallen into failures crueller, deeper, than any hell
set in a darkness negating the sun poisoned by grief and tainted with doubt that nothing will change at least for the good only cycles of descent to still lower states
scrambled hours which attain naught but more confusion more delusions we strive and plan without a prayer destruction's assured success a deceit
no hope remains in broken day we are cast down into these frames of direst futures and dimmest fates so much that death seems our sole escape