BTRIPP (btripp) wrote,

tired ... depressed ...

I spent most of the day (thematically, if not by actual hour count) at the big annual fundraiser for Daughter #1's school. This is primarily a silent auction thing (we donate some tutoring services to that), over at "trendy nightspot" in the neighborhood.

Since #1 goes to a public school we feel that we should be kicking in some financial support, since if she was at the private school that I went to, we'd be having to shell out something like two grand a month in tuition, and still be getting hit up for donations. So, we at least send me off to this (it's $100/person to get in) and give me a limited budget for raffle tickets, etc. I actually "did pretty well" on the auction, getting an after-school program that #1 likes for half-price and getting some gift certificates for a place we eat at frequently for 60¢ on the dollar, but the whole process was depressing for me.

It boggles my mind that I still can't get a job. I spent two years (after Eschaton got screwed over) trying to get hired in P.R., Meeting Planning, or Publishing, and couldn't get an interview, then I went back to school for I.T. (on the advice of Career Management group #1) for a year, and then spent two years trying to get a job (with the assistance of both the tech school's placement office and Career Management group #2) in I.T. (or any mix of my previous experience), and again, not managing to even get an interview. Then, once it becomes clear that The Wife's "big idea" of the Tutoring biz isn't going to be keeping us afloat, I "lower my expectations", go get trained in bartending and find that (now 8 weeks into this job search) that I'm not getting any call backs on any applications. What does it take?

This hit me hard today because I just couldn't afford to bid on much of anything, let alone participate in any of the "donation" activities. So much of "who I am" is still tied up with that P.R. executive making a tidy six-figure salary that this current role of being a step up from a manual laborer who is in competition with illegal aliens (yep, it was me & the Mexicans at this on-call catering company last week), is just twisting me around. The "me" that I know should have been moving around on an equal footing with the other attendees, rather than envying the bus boys' state of employment.

I mean, I've come to a "functional" understanding of why I can't get hired as a professional (the P.R. hiring manager roundfiles me as an "I.T. guy", the Publishing hiring manager roundfiles me as a "P.R. guy", the I.T. hiring manager roundfiles me as a "Publishing guy", etc.), and I can certainly comprehend that most people looking to hire a bartender see my job history of "Vice President, President, Marketing Director" and figure that somebody's playing a joke on them (and hence roundfile me) ... but the REALITY that somebody with my skills, my experience, my intelligence, and my ability, can't even get considered for a job boggles my mind. WHAT DOES IT TAKE???

It's not like I haven't done the things that "they say" you need to do to get a job. Hell, I've worked with TWO different career management groups (three, actually, if you count the early consulting thing), I've gone back to school twice, I've cranked out hundreds and hundreds of resumes, and nothing, nothing has come of it. At this point I don't even have a "plan B". Sure, I could go back to school again, but for WHAT? Some other piece of paper saying that I was the smartest guy in the program that would be just adding MORE confusion to my resume and making it that much easier for the next hiring manager to round-file me??? Hell, at this point I can't even identify a job I'd like to have (aside from all the ones I've had or been trained in that I can't seem to get any traction on!) to "start over" in. I have a horrible feeling that we're going to eventually lose the condo, have to move to the middle of nowhere, and I'll end up commuting a half-hour just to run the fucking fry machine at a McDonalds.

No wonder my poems all deal with "nightmare themes". The only problem is in this one I have to die to wake up.

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