I wish that I could believe that there is a job out there that would NOT be a living hell for me. This is, perhaps, the single biggest stumbling block in my job search ... on an emotional basis it is like having to research in depth whether I'd prefer to be drawn and quartered, drowned, dowsed with gasoline and set alfame, dropped out of a helicopter over sharp rocks, tied to rairoad tracks, attacked by vicious dogs, slowly done in by dibilitating poison, and/or tortured to death. Every option SCREAMS "you have failed to make a red cent at anything you enjoy, now you must be punished for having dared TRY to make a decent life for yourself". I swear, NOBODY around me understands this. NOBODY can (or is willing to) see just how hideous these "options" appear to me. All I see is death. Death, death, death, and more death. While on an intellectual level I can posit that yes, indeed, I might end up enjoying working at any number of these jobs for which I've been sending out my resume, but from an emotional standpoint, I might as well be being suspended over rapidly rotating knives. The problem being that the "real me", the "authentic person" inside me, wants to have NOTHING TO DO with any of these "jobs", and sees them as a sentence to a slow, crushing, long anguished scream into oblivion. Damn. I'm fucked. Why are there NO jobs that fit the "real me"? Why is this world so twisted that it spits people like me out like a worm-infested sunflower seed? I don't know how much more of this I can take. I grow so tired of fighting, I grow so weary from the constant abuse. I just wish somebody would wake me up, and this whole "consensus reality" shit would be a nasty nightmare I've been having from some bad mushrooms or something.
DAMNED, BEATEN, AND DESPISED
torrents of tension pour down from the skies the external world re-creating the Flood in the form of demand in the shape of oppression in the mode of madness and wholly wasted time
we can not synch into that flow we can not step into that path these worlds are too distant too different, too disjointed we can not reach across that divide
like trying to enter dreams somehow we are denied the easy access to the common world but no dream, this, it is the root of nightmares, the horror story which has no end
from day to day and night to night the insanity lingers driving our anguish powering our despair for this demands that we now enter realms that no one ought to bear
as every hope fades into ashes and every dream dissolves as mist we lose all willingness to fight these battles we lose the strength to yet resist