BTRIPP (btripp) wrote,

LIke YOU care ...

(sigh) ... been so fucking depressed over the past several days ... I should be HAPPY to be spending so much time with my family, but I'm SO aware on a minute-by-minute basis of the ABSYMAL financial shape we're in, it's hard for me to NOT be at my desk at least DOING SOMETHING that somehow MIGHT end up getting me some income, be it shooting out yet another resume or doing some Unicity stuff.

I know that to the rest of the whole fucking world doing these poems is probably as useful as playing solitaire, and from all the response they get, they might as well BE solitaire, but they are the ONE THING that I can hold to as a tangible "see what I've done" marker ... pretty fucking pitiful, I know ... but you gotta play the cards you're dealt.

By the way, I've been trimming down my Friends list. I realize that this will have a diminishing effect on who's reading ME (and, lord knows, I'd love to have as big an audience as I can get!), but since it's pretty obvious that a lot of folks who have me "reciprocally" listed as a Friend couldn't give a flying fuck about me, and probably don't bother reading my stuff anyway, it really doesn't matter, does it. I just got to a point where I realized how much time L.J. sucks out of my day, for good or bad, and I figured that (and, trust me, I'm not being "judgemental" here, and it's almost never "personal") if there were journals with which I was no longer "connecting", it would behoove me to not take up time with them. Sorry if you were one of the half dozen or so to go last night ... I wish there were "tiered" options for setting up the Friends list ... one which would be the "courtesy" list, where folks got listed "just because", sort of setting up bookmarks to their journals, but wouldn't show up when one actually READ one's Friends list ... since there are a lot of people that I'd just as well keep some sort of touch with, but whose journals, for whatever reason, just were not usefull things to fill my time with at the moment. Oh well. Nobody's reading this at this point, so what's the fucking use.

                    SO BEATEN, SO DOWN

                    on-rushing content
                    without context or frame
                    we lose so much
                    in the chaos
                    unable to tag
                    the elements
                    unable to chart
                    the patterns

                    in this fury
                    all achievements fail
                    in that completion
                    has no meaning
                    and that attaining
                    has no effect
                    on endless lists
                    and ceaseless needs

                    no matter what
                    is finished here
                    no matter what
                    tasks we fill
                    nothing builds
                    nothing grows
                    we are left in descent
                    lower down

                    so many efforts
                    go for naught
                    so many plans
                    falter at the start
                    we seem locked into states
                    all failure and demise
                    chained into places
                    of derision and despite

                    is there a way
                    to leave this zone?
                    is there a road
                    which we can take
                    which leads away
                    from the stony cycle
                    of death and despair
                    and into some light?

                             - Brendan Tripp

                    Copyright © 2001 by Brendan Tripp

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