It looks like we're losing the house. The new property tax bills came in and they've more than doubled. We probably would have had a hard time paying for the old level, but the new level ... it would be an evil joke if it wasn't there in B&W. I have been trying to get a "day job" now for over two years and have had ONE fucking interview. Most places just "round file" my resume because of any number of "red flags" on it (I've owned my own business, I'm in my mid-40's, most of my experience is with a family business, etc., etc., etc.), so I never even get considered. And I've been told repeatedly that "I'm too experienced for a mid-range job (in PR)", but nobody wants to touch me for a management/VP gig.
Eschaton is so deep in the toilet that it doesn't have a prayer of turning around anytime soon ... even if it can continue at all. My Unicity Network business, while still promising, is just that, promising, with nothing yet gelling from it (and I'm still reeling from having had ZERO ... nada, nil, pfft ... response from that 624-piece mailing I did a few weeks ago ... not a single person responded ... which shouldn't SURPRISE me, since that's the fucking story of my life ... where something "should" pull X% response ... I was expecting around 3% here ... my typical results are ZERO response, no matter the nature of the project). The Wife is (once again) backing away from HER new business (again, why should I be surprised, this has happened over and over ... just this time she has new stationary, new computer, new web site, and thousands of dollars worth of "stuff") and instead of gearing up to build that to a "real salary", she's now looking at how to dump her inventory on other people doing that. And, that job that I've been talking about on-and-off over the past month or so is STILL "in limbo", but would only be paying 1/3 to 1/4 of what we really need to be bringing in to stay here. Barring a Lottery win (how come the odds of anything good happening to me keep drifting down to "as likely as winning the lottery" territory?), were screwed.
So, I guess we lose the apartment. I can't begin to tell you how much I love this place and how much I do NOT want to move (I've lived in this building for 20 years and up here for the past 10). The Wife is talking about moving to all sorts of places I have actively never wanted to live. I planned to live here until they took me out feet first. Well, I suppose that still is an option ...
Anway, lucky you ... two fucking depressing pieces of swill in a day ... can't beat that, can you?
MY WORLD, COLLAPSING NOW
the weight of failure
bears down today
as we seek some way
to move from here
but nothing's there
and nothing seems
to offer hope
to ever be OK again
we are so broken
by constant stress
by this history
of endless loss
how every effort
yields us naught
and every plan
gets shot down in flames
I can not believe
that anything I try
will not decay
falling into failure
no matter how designed
I can not believe
the future will show change
from nightmares into light
the sense of doom
is overwhelming
the taint of death
hangs everywhere
we seem so damned
in this reality
as though we're fated
to tragic declines
why is it that nothing
ever works for me?
why do our strivings
always end in dire defeat?
how can the odds
be so stacked
that we never win
not even once?
- Brendan Tripp
09/29/2001
Copyright © 2001 by Brendan Tripp