BTRIPP (btripp) wrote,
BTRIPP
btripp

Things suck SO bad ...

Wow. I wonder how long I can take feeling like this. I am SO down ... even when I've had sleep, I still keep just "shutting down", falling asleep at the keyboard. I vacillate between periods of intense depression and periods of blank, total denial. Needless to say, it's only in the blank phases that I'm able to get anything done ... which means that the stuff that I really SHOULD be getting done (whatever those might be ... I am at this point at a total loss on how I might extricate myself from the current situation) doesn't get into the mix, since that's stuff from "the depression side". Sigh. I've been trying to get SOME projects out of the way, but this sleep thing keeps hitting me. I'll be working on something (reading my Friends List, coding a page for the poem site, trying to look up some info on a job, etc.) and out of the blue, I am slouched over and alseep. I have been drinking all sorts of tea, coffee, soda, Herbal Voltage™, etc., but nothing seems to make a dent on this uncontrolled sleeping. I guess my brain is trying to run away, and shutting down into sleep mode is the only way it can "get away" right now.

I got up crack-of-dawn this morning to go down to the State of Illiinois building ... I'm down to trying to find ANY job, but simply got a run-around down there ... I guess I need to apply for a general category of jobs, send the paperwork off to Springfield, and then see what "I'm qualified for" ... but they didn't even LIST the sort of jobs that I'm likely to BE qualified for (stuff like "Public Information Officer"), which made it VERY hard to even start to get the process moving! This is SO frustrating. Just what I fucking need, too ... one more source of frustration.

Anyway ... wrote this one yesterday ... I guess this has a reasonably high "Plath rating" too ...


                    THE DEEPEST TORTURE, THE SUREST LOSS


                    in this absence,
                    in this void,
                    we swim in seas of loss
                    and drown in anguish;
                    we are taunted by madness
                    unable to break away
                    from this corrupt world
                    and into freer states

                    my spirit is broken
                    and aches more deeply
                    than any pain
                    this body has endured,
                    my soul lies beaten
                    in some dungeon cage
                    trapped in a reality
                    worse than any hell

                    I am cast to this abyss
                    of horrid nightmares
                    which have no waking,
                    terrors which have no end;
                    I am damned to failure,
                    cursed to only lose
                    no matter all my striving
                    no matter what the odds

                    how evil is the world
                    which twists down like this,
                    destroying every good
                    obliterating every dream
                    crushing all our hope and prayer
                    and threatening all we have
                    with darker futures
                    and more tortured times

                    the greyness closes
                    around me now,
                    I am swallowed by the mundane
                    and smothered by its mass;
                    there is no route for escape
                    there is no means for us to save
                    our selves, our world,
                    anything for which we care



                             - Brendan Tripp
                                10/08/2001

                    Copyright © 2001 by Brendan Tripp
 
 



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